How To Live
by Smally
Summary: They're his best friends and they've given him more than anyone ever has before. It isn't their problem that Ace likes them more than he should.


**thanks to my lovely and amazing beta authenticaussie** **for fixing my mistakes and helped with a few lines. bless.**

 **warnings: implied/referenced rape/non-con not between the main characters. blink and u miss it.**

* * *

Ace stares.

His eyes sting as if he's going to cry, but he can't do that in front of his best friends; he _can't_. Not caring about the ugly feeling in his chest, he does the only thing he can that won't embarrass him, forcing his lips into a grin. He bears with it, his mind yelling at him he should have known better than to like these two, because they're better for each other than he could ever be.

So he laughs and teases Sabo and Marco, with a smile on his face even though his heart is sinking, he can't help but be happy for them.

They're his best friends and they've given him more than anyone ever has before. He won't be the person being passive-aggressive, making comments, and hurting them when they look so _happy_.

It isn't their problem that he likes them more than he should.

When Sabo stands in front of him with Marco, stutters about being together, he laughs and hugs them, easing Sabo's worries. He tells them, "it's about damn time," and his grin doesn't falter until he's alone in his room.

He'd always known he didn't have a chance with them, but seeing it firsthand, watching them kiss, cuddle and laughing together about the smallest thing squeezes his heart.

Ace buries his face in his pillow, hoping to suffocate himself to avoid dealing with the feeling that makes it harder to breathe, and then kicks himself mentally before he can sink deeper into his depressing thoughts.

They don't owe him anything. He needs to stop hoping for _something_ when he knows that he's so far from deserving.

They never make him leave, and somehow that makes him feel better in a bitter sort of way: that they would rather watch a movie with him than alone.

"You sure?" Ace says, his gut clenching as he looks at them.

"Yeah, now come and watch the movie with us." Sabo says, leaning into Marco. Ace drops onto the couch, lips quirking in a small smile. His eyes catch on Marco but he turns away before he could make his heart ache with more longing.

When Sabo covers Ace's hand with his own, Ace swallows thickly, his heart beating faster before he gathers the courage to look up at Sabo.

And Sabo…

Sabo smiles at him. Sabo smiles at him like he smiles at Marco; open and honest, his eyes full of a softness that only a few people are allowed to see. Ace's breath hitches because _this is wrong, Sabo is with Marco, he can't love you like you love them, don't even think about it-_

Sabo squeezes his hand gently, not saying a word and Ace sits frozen and tense, words stuck in his throat.

He holds himself back from leaning onto Sabo even if he yearns for a hug, yearns to be close, yearns for _more_.

He drowns in the feeling of Sabo stroking his knuckles, telling himself that he deserve this.

Maybe if he repeats it often enough, it'll be true.

* * *

He wakes gasping for air as he sinks his nails in his arms, hugging himself. He doesn't dare move as he works on figuring out where he is. The faint pain clears his head and he's finally able to recognize the couch he'd fallen asleep on.

Sabo doesn't wake up when Ace shifts, but Marco's eyes are on him, his forehead creased with worry. Ace produces a weak smile that obviously isn't as convincing as he hopes when Marco starts to get out from under the blankets. He moves Sabo into a comfortable position without waking him up, Sabo settles easily.

Ace goes to the kitchen and fills a glass with water. Then, he sinks to the ground, and leans back against the counter, hoping Marco won't want to talk. Marco sits beside him, their shoulders touching but he doesn't say a word.

Ace bites his lip, holding back anything he might babble in his momentary weakness. Marco doesn't need to hear about his stupid feelings. Ace closes his eyes, resting his head against the counter.

He's fine.

He can do this.

He reels back when Marco's hand lands on his hand. His throat closes off, his head feels light and he needs a few moments to remember what he needs to do before he faints from lack of air. Any other time he wouldn't mind Marco touching him, but after this nightmare the only thing he can think about the breathing exercise he's used before. He hits his head in the counter trying to get away because he doesn't have any more space to move.

"Don't touch me," Ace breaths deeply, his stomach churning but manages to resist the urge to throw up. He can see the downturn of Marco's lips at his reaction, and _fuck_ , Ace knows he should do better, that Marco doesn't need to see him when he can't even deal with one simple touch.

Marco moves away from him, giving him a few inches that Ace appreciates more than he lets on.

"How can I help?" Marco questions, and Ace shakes his head can only shake his head because he doesn't have a clue. The past years he'd hid this well from Sabo. His panic attacks have always been private. Ace doesn't need Marco to know about his dreams, he doesn't need the constant worrying or overprotective coddling.

"I'm sorry," Ace mumbles as he thinks back to Marco's reaction, embarrassment washing over him. "I don't like being touched after- after it happens."

Ace suspects Marco knows what happened because nightmares aren't that rare in their household, but he can't talk about it, he won't talk about it even if Marco asks.

He should be over his nightmares, he knows, because it's been more than a lifetime. Ace only did what he had to survive and support his brothers, and he won't regret it, even if he remembers swearing never to kneel unless there's no better solution. But he did it for his brothers, and even if he hates himself for getting to his knees they would've died without the money he earned. Even if they never believed it when he said he'd got a job, he'd found a way to feed them.

"Ace, it's okay," Marco's voice sounds calm even seeing him panic like this, which Ace kinds of likes. He would've hated hearing pity in Marco's voice. "You don't have to talk about it, yoi."

Ace's curls into himself further; even if Marco says that, Ace can't stop feeling like he needs to spill everything about his past and his nightmares. Maybe then Marco would leave him alone, repelled by the things he's done.

"Ace-" Marco moves closer but doesn't touch him, having learnt from his previous mistake. Ace wants to say something but his eyes are burning, silent sobs wrecking his body as he tries not to make a sound. What is _wrong_ with him? He doesn't cry about his nightmares when people can see him. "It doesn't matter what you've been dreaming about. I love you, yoi. Sabo loves you. If your dreams are telling you something else, don't believe them."

 _Hah_ , they _love_ him. _Sure_. Bitterness crawls up on his throat because Ace loves them too. He loves them so much that sometimes the adoration hits him hard in the chest and he wishes so badly they were talking about the same kind of love. But he knows they are not - and any other day Ace would be fine, but today he wants to bury himself six feet under so he doesn't have to deal with his stupid feelings.

"One day, I'm gonna disappoint you and you won't look at me the same as before," Ace says, turning his head away from Marco. Before Marco can say anything, Ace stands up and gives him a thin smile. "I'm gonna go for a walk. Sorry for keeping you up."

He's out of the door before Marco could say something. He grabs his hair, tugging at it hard as soon as he's out of the house.

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid,_ Ace repeats, swallowing the lump in his throat, berating himself. _You aren't good enough for them, you can't open up because they'll find out how many problems you have and they don't need it!_

Just like they don't need Ace.

Ace closes his eyes against the tears but he loses.

He always loses.

* * *

Marco doesn't mention their talk, so Ace lets himself relax before he says something he would regret.

Life goes back to normal. He takes on more hours at work, gets home more tired than before, but it doesn't help with his feelings. He thinks about them while he is working, and he can't forget these stupid memories, their stupid smile and their stupid encouraging words.

Ace is so exhausted he wishes he could sleep without seeing them in his dreams.

He sits down on the couch after a long day, his body aching from the physical work. Before he could do anything Sabo is there, ruffling Ace's hair. Ace glares at him because that's the most he can do without moving.

"You okay?" Sabo asks as he maneuvers Ace's upper body onto his lap so he can sit down. Which Ace accepts without whining. It's kind of decent. Kind of good. More than good.

"Tired," Ace hums in answer when Sabo starts to play with his hair. He closes his eyes and loses himself in Sabo's gentle touch. He could fall asleep, only listening to the silence or Sabo's voice."I should hire you for this."

"For playing with your hair?" Sabo chuckles. "I'd do it for free."

"You're the best, 'Bo," Ace pats his hand, finding it with closed eyes. Ace could live like this forever. Somebody being beside him, loving him. Ace would never say it out loud but he aches for it so much. Every fleeting touch he can get, every smile they show in his way.

But Ace isn't the kind of person who's easy to love.

He understands how hard it is, considering he's never loved himself.

He hears Marco's quiet steps but doesn't make a sound when Marco lifts his legs up so he can sit down, putting Ace's legs on his lap.

Warm hands rest on his shin, and Ace sighs as his body starts to warm up from the cold he'd been working through the whole day. He falls asleep listening to their voices, warm in their embrace.

When he wakes up, a blanket covers him. Ace frowns; they could have moved and been comfortable in their bed instead of staying with him.

He can't help the smile widening on his face. Even if they didn't mean anything by staying with him, Ace still wants to get up from Sabo's lap and hug both of them before they could argue.

He realises what a bad idea that is in the next two minutes and a sigh escapes him. It isn't surprising Ace likes them so much when they're always doing things like this; making him comfortable, giving him food when he comes home, making him smile after a hard day. Just being _fucking_ _nice_ human beings.

They're too good for him. He knows it; he's heard it from his own head and from every foster home he grew up in, every foster parent, telling Ace again and again that he should be grateful they've adopted him.

First, he'd snarked back, not caring about the consequences, but he'd learnt to be quiet after his foster parents started to give him scars, leaving their marks on Ace's skin before he'd run away. Being on the streets was better than hearing all of his thoughts out loud from people who didn't give a shit about him.

He jumps as a hand brushes through his hair, his eyes snapping up. Sabo looks at him, smiling like he hasn't been sleeping on this uncomfortable couch all night.

"You could have woken me up." Ace says as he rubs at his eyes and yawns, guilt eating him on the inside for enjoying their closeness. "Sorry for-"

"Sleeping?" Sabo interrupts before Ace can finish. Sabo is giving his lovely smile and Ace feels himself blushing. The heat in his cheeks only intensifies when he realises he's lying on Sabo's lap. _Shit_ , he really wasn't on top of things yesterday if he'd let himself fall asleep like this.

"The couch is uncomfortable when you've been sitting on it for hours," Ace says, stealing a look at Marco, who doesn't appear to be awake yet.

"Why do you think you're a bother?" Sabo's eyes are so honest, searching for an answer because Ace has never mentioned being bothered by falling asleep with them before. He should've known Sabo would ask the hard questions.

While part of him is sure Sabo will never hate him, his stomach stills churns with anxiety and he can't get a word out, instead he ends up shrugging at Sabo's question.

"I'm gonna make breakfast," Ace says but Sabo lies on him before he can stand up. _"Sabo."_

"Ace."

Ace glares but Sabo laughs at him, taking his breath away as Sabo's eyes crinkle. Ace looks away, biting off a hopeless smile.

"You're both adorable, yoi, don't worry." Ace flushes before he can help it and he hears Sabo groan, hiding his face under his arms.

Marco ruffles Ace's hair and, he doesn't have the chance to avoid it because Sabo's laying on him. Sabo smiles at them when Marco puts an arm around Ace, his other hand playing with Sabo's hair.

Ace knows he shouldn't enjoy it because they're going to leave him soon, living together without him. The words slip out before he can stop himself.

"When you want to live without me, tell me beforehand so I can pack my things."

"What?" Sabo sits up abruptly, turning to Ace. He has this sad look about him but Ace smiles even if his heart isn't in it.

"I mean," Ace starts to explain, rubbing the back of his neck. "When you don't want me here anymore-"

"Ace-" Marco tries to say something, but Ace continues like he doesn't hear it.

"Because I know I can be too much," Sabo opens his mouth to argue but Ace is quicker, "you know I won't get mad if you say I should move out."

Marco rubs his face before turning to him, his fingertips grazing Ace's cheek. Ace's heart beats faster and he needs to move before he buries his face in Marco's shoulder, finds the most comfortable spot and never leaves. He wets his lips but doesn't turn when Sabo squeezes his hand like he's encouraging Ace.

"Ace, we love you," Marco says but Ace knows that, he'd heard it before and every time he does, his heart pangs. But he's started to accept that they don't mean it in the way that Ace wants them to.

He's getting used to it though; most of the time it doesn't even hurt anymore. He just feels guilty, knowing that they're his best friends and he shouldn't feel like this.

"That doesn't mean you don't want me to go," Ace laughs awkwardly, but they aren't laughing.

"You're not listening," Sabo says as he intertwines his fingers with Ace's. Ace blinks, looking at Sabo, who smiles at him. Ace realises slowly that Marco's hand hasn't moved from his cheek.

His face heats up again but he doesn't want Marco to stop touching him. Ace bites his lip, and looks away, his heart filling with guilt because he really, really shouldn't-

"We _love you_ , Ace." Marco's words break through his thoughts. The serious but tender look Marco gives him stops Ace from interrupting. "We want to date you."

"If you want to date us," Sabo gives him the same look but Ace just sits there and Sabo holds his hand tighter.

Date. They want to date him. Both of them, dating. Him. _What. The. Fuck._

Maybe it's a dream, but he counts his fingers twice and gets ten both times . His lips wobble even as he tells himself that he doesn't have a reason to cry. Marco's worried eyes, reminds Ace to breathe before he dies from the lack of air.

"Oh."

God job, Ace. Fucking _oh._ Nicely done.

Marco squeezes Ace's neck. Ace hasn't even noticed when Marco put his hand there but it works and his mind starts to clear out.

"Ace, you can say no." Ace turns his head to Sabo, looking down at him before shaking his head. He doesn't want to say no. He wants to be with them more when they're together so he can bask in their presence without feeling guilty because he isn't their boyfriend.

"Are you sure you want me?" his voice is quiet and his eyes wander from both of them, his throat tight as he swallows.

Sabo lifts Ace's hand to his lips, and doesn't let his gaze waver when he kisses Ace's palm.

Ace opens his mouth to say something but Marco kisses his cheeks and he forgets what he wanted to say.

"That's a yes, right?" Ace laughs nervously before biting his lips, his heart flying high as Marco smile at him, caressing Ace's face, his eyes finding Ace's.

"Yes," Marco answers, putting an arm around his shoulder. "Let us love you, yoi."

Ace sighs leaning into Marco, his eyes burning again. This time though, he doesn't have to feel guilty about being comfortable around them. He's wanted this for months and now the dread reaches him without a warning.

"I'm gonna fuck up a lot," Ace mumbles as he combs through Sabo's hair with his fingers, looking at the wall. Seeing the agreement on their faces might hurt him more than he'd first thought.

"Why, are you gonna cheat on us?" Sabo asks, his face honest. Ace tries to hide his hurt and he hears Marco groan, mumbling something about Sabo fucking up.

"Why would I do that?" his anger is clearly seen on his face because Sabo's eyes soften as they look at each other. "I love you guys," Ace says, his face falling as he watches them. "I _really_ love you two."

Sabo and Marco share a look before turning back to him.

"It's not like you don't know us yoi," Marco caresses Ace's face. "You've known us for years, I don't think you'd hurt us intentionally."

"But I'll make a stupid mistake and-"

"We'll talk about it like grown up adults," Sabo says with a patient smile. Ace swallows thickly, feeling hot under his clothes from that little smile. He wants to lean down and kiss Sabo's smile, but he stops himself.

His need to spit out all of his worries, he needs to tell them how easily he could ruin this, but all his fears disappear from his mind when Sabo kisses his knuckles again. His heart swells with warmth as Sabo's lips touch his skin, and he has to remind himself to stop this from happening too much because he's sure to say something embarrassing if Sabo showers him with this much affection.

"You're both so stubborn," Ace says, and Sabo and Marco laugh at him, _the heathens_ , but it still makes Ace bites his lip because making his- his _boyfriends_ laugh? It's easily one of the best feelings he's ever had. Well, except for loving these two, but making them laugh is on his top five best feelings list. "It's not funny."

"It's ridiculous that you think you'd ever hurt us," Marco ruffles his hair which only makes Ace groan as he tries to move away from the offending hand with no luck. He's not trying that hard, though.

"You're such a sap," Sabo laughs at them. "But Marco's right. You're adorable, Ace."

Ace groans, his face flushing with red. "Stop that, I'm gonna break up with you."

"Awww, Ace, don't be like that, you love us," Sabo grins. "You said it like five minutes ago, it was a glorious moment."

"I regret it already."

"You can't regret it yet, yoi. You haven't woken up with Sabo drooling on your shoulder." Sabo hits Marco weakly in his shoulder, his cheeks flaring red as he glares at them. Marco shoots Ace a grin when he starts laughing. "I'm sure you have cute sleeping habits too, Ace." Marco adds, and it's Ace's turn to be left flustered.

Sabo pinches Marco on his leg for his comments, but Marco only gives him a look that can quite easily be read as 'that didn't really hurt, yoi _'._ Sabo rolls his eyes at Marco in exasperation and Ace can't help but smile.

Ace lets his head rest on Marco's chest, Sabo's and his hands still entangled. Ace thinks back over the past months when he'd tried to squish his feelings for them, but now, sitting so close to them, practically _cuddling,_ Ace recognises the smile they've been watching each other with for months, and he knows-

He can live like this.

* * *

 **thank you for reading this fic. if you liked it, consider leaving a few words or more than few. favourite lines or heartbreak, i'm** **here for any feedback! ;u;**


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